On Self-Reflection or I Was Recently Called a Narcissist

Monday, July 20, 2026

Happy Monday, my friends! Following a recent conversation with an acquaintance, he leaned in and said, “Ben, I think your problem is you’re a narcissist.” I tried hard to hear that criticism and tried to understand it and the context in which this person was basing his nonclinical judgment. My first reaction was to be defensive, but then I started to look into clinical definitions of narcissism which sent me down a rabbit hole of considering many of my actions and inactions. Are they evidence of narcissism or narcissistic tendencies that I’ve never examined? Was I truly engaging in self-reflection (something that is clinically very hard for narcissists) or was I simply trying to suss out the cracks in my carefully constructed defenses against being seen as a narcissist (something that a narcissist would totally do)? Though the questions are still nagging me, through evaluating the source of the judgment and the input of friends and family, I eventually had to leave this piece of self-reflection for appointments with my therapist and move on.     

Narcissism. That word has a way of lodging itself in you, doesn’t it? Whether it was fair or unfair, accurate or wildly off base, it did what those kinds of words always do, it sent me looking inward. And that, it turns out, is exactly where I needed to go, even if I didn’t want to go there in that particular moment or in that particular way.

Self-reflection is unglamorous work. It doesn’t announce itself as a spiritual discipline the way prayer does, but it might be one of the most important disciplines we have. To reflect honestly on ourselves, our motives, our blind spots, the gap between who we think we are and who we actually are, is to make room for growth and development. Without it, we calcify. We start mistaking our habits for our convictions and our defensiveness for our integrity.

But here’s the harder truth: we can’t do this work alone. Left entirely to ourselves, our self-reflection tends to be self-serving. Humans are remarkably skilled at reflecting just enough to feel better about themselves without reflecting enough to actually change anything about themselves. We need mirrors that aren’t of our own creation, and that are outside our control.

This is one of the great, often underappreciated gifts of genuine community. A community that truly knows us will, at some point, hold up something we didn’t ask to see. Not out of cruelty, but out of love, the kind of love that cares more about who and what we’re becoming than our comfort. That’s what has happened to me so many times throughout my life. I know who my truest friends are and where my best community lies when they hold me accountable as much as they affirm me.

The best communities and the best kind of friends are fundamentally different than those who only affirm us or who only criticize us. Harder to find and rarer are the people committed enough to stay, honest enough to speak, and gracious enough to keep loving us through what they have to tell us and the ways in which they have to challenge us. A community like that will not let us hide from ourselves, and it will not let us drown in shame either. It holds both truth and grace at the same time, which is precisely what most of us cannot manage to hold for ourselves.

When was the last time someone close to you told you something hard about yourself? How did you receive it?

Let us pray: God, you see us fully and you love us still. Grant us the courage to look honestly at ourselves and give us the humility to accept the grace of people brave enough to help us see ourselves truthfully. Save us from the mirrors we build for ourselves, the ones that flatter or condemn without truth. Surround us instead with community that tells us who we really are and loves us enough to stay while we grow. Amen.

Blessings on your weeks, my friends! Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Faithfully,

Ben +

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